How the Bible and the Torah Are Mentioned in the Quran
The word the Torah [pronounced as al-Taurat] is mentioned 16 times in the Quran; and the word the Bible [pronounced as al-Injeel] is mentioned 12 times in the Quran. The word Talmud is not mentioned in the holy Quran at all.
(The processes of inventing Jews, the Talmud, and Judaism is explained in the following article: The Invention of Judaism in Babylonian Iraq and in another article Replacing Semitic Judeans and Torah with Turkic Jews and Talmud )
The six Turkic groups are:
1- Turkic Muslim in Anatolia and Balkan, (fake Caucasians since Byzantine–Seljuq wars in 1048 Ad),
2- Turkic Shia Persians (fake Iranians since the Achaemenids in 550 BC),
3- Turkic Khazar Zionist Jews (fake Israelite since the tricky Babylonian “Return” in 520 BC),
4- Turkic rulers of Arabia (fake Arabs, following the death of Islam in 655 AD),
5- Turkic “Hindu” Indians and Gypsy (fake Aryans since the Persian conquest in 530 BC), and
6- Turkic Europeans (fake liberal Christians since the “Holy” “Roman” “Empire” in 962 AD)
The word the Torah [pronounced as al-Taurat] is mentioned 16 times in the Quran
3. Surah Ale-Imran (The Family of Imran)
1) 3. It is He Who has sent down the Book (the Qur’an) to you (Muhammad ) with truth, confirming what came before it. And he sent down the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel).
2) 48. And He (Allah) will teach him [‘Iesa (Jesus)] the Book and Al-Hikmah (i.e. the Sunnah, the faultless speech of the Prophets, wisdom, etc.), (and) the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel).
3) 50. And I have come confirming that which was before me of the Taurat (Torah), and to make lawful to you part of what was forbidden to you, and I have come to you with a proof from your Lord. So fear Allah and obey me.
4) 65. O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians)! Why do you dispute about Ibrahim (Abraham), while the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel) were not revealed till after him? Have you then no sense?
5) 93. All food was lawful to the Children of Israel, except what Israel made unlawful for himself before the Taurat (Torah) was revealed. Say (O Muhammad ): “Bring here the Taurat (Torah) and recite it, if you are truthful.”
5. Surah Al-Ma’idah (The Table Spread with Food)
6) 43. But how do they come to you for decision while they have the Taurat (Torah), in which is the (plain) Decision of Allah; yet even after that, they turn away. For they are not (really) believers.
7) 44. Verily, We did send down the Taurat (Torah) [to Musa (Moses)], therein was guidance and light, by which the Prophets, who submitted themselves to Allah’s Will, judged the Jews. And the rabbis and the priests [too judged the Jews by the Taurat (Torah) after those Prophets] for to them was entrusted the protection of Allah’s Book, and they were witnesses thereto. Therefore fear not men but fear Me (O Jews) and sell not My Verses for a miserable price. And whosoever does not judge by what Allah has revealed, such are the Kafirun (i.e. disbelievers – of a lesser degree as they do not act on Allah’s Laws ).
8) 46. And in their footsteps, We sent ‘Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary) , confirming the Taurat (Torah) that had come before him, and We gave him the Injeel (Gospel), in which was guidance and light and confirmation of the Taurat (Torah) that had come before it, a guidance and an admonition for Al-Muttaqun (the pious – see V.2:2).
5. Surah Al-Ma’idah (The Table Spread with Food)
9) 66. And if only they had acted according to the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel), and what has (now) been sent down to them from their Lord (the Qur’an), they would surely have gotten provision from above them and from underneath their feet. There are from among them people who are on the right course (i.e. they act on the revelation and believe in Prophet Muhammad like ‘Abdullah bin Salam ), but many of them do evil deeds.
10) 68. Say (O Muhammad ) “O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians)! You have nothing (as regards guidance) till you act according to the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel), and what has (now) been sent down to you from your Lord (the Qur’an).” Verily, that which has been sent down to you (Muhammad ) from your Lord increases in many of them their obstinate rebellion and disbelief. So be not sorrowful over the people who disbelieve.
11) 110. (Remember) when Allah will say (on the Day of Resurrection). “O ‘Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary)! Remember My Favour to you and to your mother when I supported you with Ruh-ul-Qudus [Jibrael (Gabriel)] so that you spoke to the people in the cradle and in maturity; and when I taught you writing, Al-Hikmah (the power of understanding), the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel); and when you made out of the clay, as it were, the figure of a bird, by My Permission, and you breathed into it, and it became a bird by My Permission, and you healed those born blind, and the lepers by My Permission, and when you brought forth the dead by My Permission; and when I restrained the Children of Israel from you (when they resolved to kill you) since you came unto them with clear proofs, and the disbelievers among them said: ‘This is nothing but evident magic.’ ”
7. Surah Al-A’raf (The Heights)
12) 157. Those who follow the Messenger, the Prophet who can neither read nor write (i.e.Muhammad ) whom they find written with them in the Taurat (Torah) (Deut, xviii, 15) and the Injeel (Gospel) (John xiv, 16) , – he commands them for Al-Ma’ruf (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam has ordained); and forbids them from Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); he allows them as lawful At-Taiyibat [(i.e. all good and lawful) as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons, foods, etc.], and prohibits them as unlawful Al-Khaba’ith (i.e. all evil and unlawful as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons, foods, etc.), he releases them from their heavy burdens (of Allah’s Covenant), and from the fetters (bindings) that were upon them. So those who believe in him (Muhammad ), honour him, help him, and follow the light (the Qur’an) which has been sent down with him, it is they who will be successful .
9. Surah At-Taubah (The Repentance)
13) 111. Verily, Allah has purchased of the believers their lives and their properties; for the price that theirs shall be the Paradise. They fight in Allah’s Cause, so they kill (others) and are killed. It is a promise in truth which is binding on Him in the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel) and the Qur’an. And who is truer to his covenant than Allah? Then rejoice in the bargain which you have concluded. That is the supreme success .
48. Surah Al-Fath (The Victory)
14) 29. Muhammad () is the Messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are severe against disbelievers, and merciful among themselves. You see them bowing and falling down prostrate (in prayer), seeking Bounty from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure. The mark of them (i.e. of their Faith) is on their faces (foreheads) from the traces of (their) prostration (during prayers). This is their description in the Taurat (Torah). But their description in the Injeel (Gospel) is like a (sown) seed which sends forth its shoot, then makes it strong, it then becomes thick, and it stands straight on its stem, delighting the sowers that He may enrage the disbelievers with them. Allah has promised those among them who believe (i.e. all those who follow Islamic Monotheism, the religion of Prophet Muhammad till the Day of Resurrection) and do righteous good deeds, forgiveness and a mighty reward (i.e. Paradise).
61. Surah As-Saff (The Row or the Rank)
15) 6. And (remember) when ‘Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary), said: “O Children of Israel! I am the Messenger of Allah unto you confirming the Taurat [(Torah) which came] before me, and giving glad tidings of a Messenger to come after me, whose name shall be Ahmed . But when he (Ahmed i.e. Muhammad ) came to them with clear proofs, they said: “This is plain magic.”
62. Surah Al-Jumu’ah (Friday)
16) 5. The likeness of those who were entrusted with the (obligation of the) Taurat (Torah) (i.e. to obey its commandments and to practise its legal laws), but who subsequently failed in those (obligations), is as the likeness of a donkey who carries huge burdens of books (but understands nothing from them). How bad is the example (or the likeness) of people who deny the Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, signs, revelations, etc.) of Allah. And Allah guides not the people who are Zalimun (polytheists, wrong-doers, disbelievers, etc.).
The word the Bible [pronounced as al-Injeel] is mentioned 12 times in the Quran
3. Surah Ale-Imran (The Family of Imran)
1) 3. It is He Who has sent down the Book (the Qur’an) to you (Muhammad ) with truth, confirming what came before it. And he sent down the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel).
2) 48. And He (Allah) will teach him [‘Iesa (Jesus)] the Book and Al-Hikmah (i.e. the Sunnah, the faultless speech of the Prophets, wisdom, etc.), (and) the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel).
3) 65. O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians)! Why do you dispute about Ibrahim (Abraham), while the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel) were not revealed till after him? Have you then no sense?
5. Surah Al-Ma’idah (The Table Spread with Food)
4) 46. And in their footsteps, We sent ‘Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary) , confirming the Taurat (Torah) that had come before him, and We gave him the Injeel (Gospel), in which was guidance and light and confirmation of the Taurat (Torah) that had come before it, a guidance and an admonition for Al-Muttaqun (the pious – see V.2:2).
5) 47. Let the people of the Injeel (Gospel) judge by what Allah has revealed therein. And whosoever does not judge by what Allah has revealed (then) such (people) are the Fasiqun (the rebellious i.e. disobedient (of a lesser degree) to Allah.
6) 66. And if only they had acted according to the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel), and what has (now) been sent down to them from their Lord (the Qur’an), they would surely have gotten provision from above them and from underneath their feet. There are from among them people who are on the right course (i.e. they act on the revelation and believe in Prophet Muhammad like ‘Abdullah bin Salam ), but many of them do evil deeds.
7) 68. Say (O Muhammad ) “O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians)! You have nothing (as regards guidance) till you act according to the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel), and what has (now) been sent down to you from your Lord (the Qur’an).” Verily, that which has been sent down to you (Muhammad ) from your Lord increases in many of them their obstinate rebellion and disbelief. So be not sorrowful over the people who disbelieve.
8) 110. (Remember) when Allah will say (on the Day of Resurrection). “O ‘Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary)! Remember My Favour to you and to your mother when I supported you with Ruh-ul-Qudus [Jibrael (Gabriel)] so that you spoke to the people in the cradle and in maturity; and when I taught you writing, Al-Hikmah (the power of understanding), the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel); and when you made out of the clay, as it were, the figure of a bird, by My Permission, and you breathed into it, and it became a bird by My Permission, and you healed those born blind, and the lepers by My Permission, and when you brought forth the dead by My Permission; and when I restrained the Children of Israel from you (when they resolved to kill you) since you came unto them with clear proofs, and the disbelievers among them said: ‘This is nothing but evident magic.’ ”
7. Surah Al-A’raf (The Heights)
9) 157. Those who follow the Messenger, the Prophet who can neither read nor write (i.e.Muhammad ) whom they find written with them in the Taurat (Torah) (Deut, xviii, 15) and the Injeel (Gospel) (John xiv, 16) , – he commands them for Al-Ma’ruf (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam has ordained); and forbids them from Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); he allows them as lawful At-Taiyibat [(i.e. all good and lawful) as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons, foods, etc.], and prohibits them as unlawful Al-Khaba’ith (i.e. all evil and unlawful as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons, foods, etc.), he releases them from their heavy burdens (of Allah’s Covenant), and from the fetters (bindings) that were upon them. So those who believe in him (Muhammad ), honour him, help him, and follow the light (the Qur’an) which has been sent down with him, it is they who will be successful .
9. Surah At-Taubah (The Repentance)
10) 111. Verily, Allah has purchased of the believers their lives and their properties; for the price that theirs shall be the Paradise. They fight in Allah’s Cause, so they kill (others) and are killed. It is a promise in truth which is binding on Him in the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel) and the Qur’an. And who is truer to his covenant than Allah? Then rejoice in the bargain which you have concluded. That is the supreme success .
48. Surah Al-Fath (The Victory)
11) 29. Muhammad () is the Messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are severe against disbelievers, and merciful among themselves. You see them bowing and falling down prostrate (in prayer), seeking Bounty from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure. The mark of them (i.e. of their Faith) is on their faces (foreheads) from the traces of (their) prostration (during prayers). This is their description in the Taurat (Torah). But their description in the Injeel (Gospel) is like a (sown) seed which sends forth its shoot, then makes it strong, it then becomes thick, and it stands straight on its stem, delighting the sowers that He may enrage the disbelievers with them. Allah has promised those among them who believe (i.e. all those who follow Islamic Monotheism, the religion of Prophet Muhammad till the Day of Resurrection) and do righteous good deeds, forgiveness and a mighty reward (i.e. Paradise).
57. Surah Al-Hadid (Iron)
12) 27. Then, We sent after them, Our Messengers, and We sent ‘Iesa (Jesus) – son of Maryam (Mary), and gave him the Injeel (Gospel). And We ordained in the hearts of those who followed him, compassion and mercy. But the Monasticism which they invented for themselves, We did not prescribe for them, but (they sought it) only to please Allah therewith, but that they did not observe it with the right observance. So We gave those among them who believed, their (due) reward, but many of them are Fasiqun (rebellious, disobedient to Allah).
Important Update Notice on 24 July 2018: I have updated my Abyssinian Hypothesis after discovering the that single-hump camel (The dromedary) was unknown in Arabia, Aram, Assyria, and Kemet before 950 BC, while in abundance in the land of Punt.
This led to make the following major changes:
1- The proposed origin of Israelite from being Arabic-speaking Arab Yemenis to Ge’ez-speaking African Puntite;
2- Rename the Abyssinian Hypothesis to the Ge’ez Puntite Hypothesis;
3- The Turkic Mongolian colonizers and rulers of Neo-Babylonia invited elders from the House of Israel to Babylonia in around 580 BC in what is called the Babylonian Exile to help the create Judaism and colonize Aramaic land in 530 BC;
4- The Hebrew Language and the Hebrew Israelite are products of admixture between Ge’ez Israelite, Turkic Mongolian Persians, and colonized Aramaic. They existed only after 530 C; and
5- The Lost Sheep of the House of Israel are those Israelite who left the land of Punt and decided to collaborate with Turkic Mongolians to invent Judaism and colonize Aramaic lands; and turned into Hebrew Israelite.
Therefore, the Israelite Exodus of 1446 BC was only within Punt, from one region to another. The Jews are not Israelite at all; and the name Judah was just used deceptively to relate the Jews to the Israelite. The Israelite were scattered all over the world and they no longer exist as a nation or a tribe.
For more details on the Ge’ez Puntite Hypothesis read the following three articles:
1- How Persians Cooked a Cult and Called it Judaism Part 1
2- The Turkic Mongolian-African Israelite Joint-ventures
3- Jesus Pointing to “The Lost Sheep of the house of Israel” and “the Gentiles”
[End of notice]
Tarig Anter on Protect & Reinvent Democracy 
Comments on: "How the Bible and the Torah Are Mentioned in the Quran" (10)
THE ABSURD QURAN:
And the jinn did He create of smokeless fire.–55:15
1. “Alif. Lam. Mim.”
Many surahs start with three Arabic letters. No one knows why. But I have a theory. The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of WTF. 2:1
2. “This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil).” There is no doubt about this or any other “Scripture”. It is false. It wasn’t revealed by God and it won’t “ward off evil.” 2:2
3. Those who believe in the unseen things revealed by Muhammad and who are absolutely certain they will survive their own death are the successful people. You know, the Muslims.2:3-5
4. “Shall we believe as the foolish believe?”
According to the Quran, the answer is, yes. To be truly wise you must believe whatever the foolish believe. 2:13
5. Allah especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they’re around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils. 2:14
6. “If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things.” 2:20
7. “And if ye are in doubt … then produce a surah of the like thereof.”
If you doubt that the truth of the Quran, then try making some stuff up and see how it compares. (Whatever you come up with will be better than the Quran.) 2:23
8. Allah created seven heavens. 2:29
9. And He taught Adam all the names.”
Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known today, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names. 2:31a
10. Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful). 2:31b
11. But the angels weren’t truthful enough to guess correctly. 2:32
12. Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals’ names. So Adam tells them and says, “I know something you guys don’t! Neener-Neener-Neener!” 2:33
13. Allah commands the angels to worship Adam. They all do, except for Iblis, who becomes a disbeliever. 2:34
14. After the people worshipped a calf, Moses told them to kill themselves. That, he said, would be best for them. 2:54
15. Allah struck Moses with lightning and then revived him just so that Moses would thank him for it! 2:55-56
16. As you read the Quran you’ll notice that many of the Bible’s stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel. 2:60
17. Allah turned Sabbath-breaking Jews into apes to be despised and hated. All modern Jews are descendants of apes (or all modern apes are descendants of Sabbath-breaking Jews). 2:65-66
18. “Allah told the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow. 2:67-69
19. But they weren’t sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews. 2:67-69
20. Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow. 2:71
21. A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)2:72-3
22. There are rocks which fall down for the fear of Allah.”
Are there rocks that fall down laughing at the stupid things Allah says in the Quran? 2:74
23. “Little is that which they believe.”
At least Allah got that right. There is little in the Quran that is worthy of belief. 2:88
24. Pay no attention to the know-nothings that ask Allah for a sign. (Or ask him to say something good, kind, decent, or reasonable in the Quran.) 2:118a
25. Their hearts are all alike (they suck). Allah’s revelations are clear to those that already believe that Allah’s revelations are clear. 2:118b
26. “We take our colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring.”
Muslims were colored by God. “Who is better than Allah at coloring?”
I give up. Who is better at coloring than Allah? 2:138
27. Allah guides whoever the hell he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no reason whatsoever. 2:142
28. Allah changes the holy direction. Originally Muslims prayed toward Jerusalem. But then, for no apparent reason, Allah told Muhammad to start praying toward a black cube-shaped building in Mecca (the Kaaba). The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition, was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael, the Kaaba is the direction that all Muslims pray toward five times day, and is the holy site that all Muslims are supposed to visit once in their lifetime. 2:143-4
29. “Those who disbelieve [are] Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.” 2:171
30. “There is life for you in retaliation … that ye may ward off (evil).”
There is life for you in Allah’s magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit’s foot or something.) 2:179
31. “Beautified is the life of the world for those who disbelieve; they make a jest of the believers.”
Yes life is beautiful to us unbelievers and we like to laugh at believers! 2:212
32. Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn’t sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either. 2:219a
33. If you’re wondering how much is too much to spend on drinking and gambling, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Helpful. 2:219b
34. Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Christian woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Jewish man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway? 2:221
35. After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don’t make Allah a laughing-stock. 2:231
36. When a man dies, his wives can’t have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they’re not pregnant, it’s no sin for the dead man if his wives have sex again. 2:234
37. Allah told thousands of soldiers to die. Then after they died, Allah brought them back to life. 2:243
38. Allah asks for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small. 2:245
39. Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark. 2:247
40. Allah confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7. 2:249
41. Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, “God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west.” Which totally abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, “I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west.” That would have abashed Abraham and Allah. 2:258
42. Allah makes a man “die” for 100 years, and then brings him back to life. 2:259
43. To show how he gives life to the dead, Allah tells Abraham to cut up the bodies of four birds, scatter their remains on four hills, and then call to them. Allah says that the dead birds will come quickly to Abraham. 2:260
44. Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah. 3:7
45. Muslims are the best people. Most Non-muslims are “evil-livers.” 3:110
46. Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw “clearly, with their very eyes” that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. “Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes.” (I guess I don’t have eyes.) 3:13
47. “If ye love Allah, follow me; Allah will love you and forgive you your sins.”
Follow Muhammad and Allah will love your and forgive your sins. Otherwise…. 3:31
48. “Obey Allah and the messenger.” But mostly the Messenger (Muhammad). 3:32
49. Here’s a fun story about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.
“Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah’s leave. ” 3:49
50. “Allah is the best of schemers.” 3:54
51. “Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge?”
Don’t argue about things that you know nothing about. 3:66
52. Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him. (Most Non-muslims are “evil-livers.”) 3:110
“Obey Allah and obey the messenger.” 3:132
53. “Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers.”
(Believers always defeat unbelievers.) 3:139
54. Those who retreat while fighting in a holy war are inspired by Satan. 3:155
55. “Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead.” 3:169-171
56. Inheritance laws: None of this makes sense to me, but here’s a link that explains it all for you. 4:11-12
57. “We shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah.” 4:30
58. Be kind to the slaves “whom your right hands possess.” But, of course, if a kind person would set slaves free and wouldn’t have them in the first place. 4:36
59. Don’t make Satan your imaginary friend. Choose Allah instead! 4:38
60. If you get dirty (by touching a woman or something), and can’t find any clean water around at prayer time, you can clean up by rubbing your face and hands in some clean dirt. 4:43
61. Christians and Jews must believe what Allah has revealed to Muhammad or Allah will disfigure their faces or turn them into apes, as he did the Sabbath-breakers. (See 2:65-66) 4:47
62. Virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise. 4:57
63. “We sent no messenger save that he should be obeyed by Allah’s leave.” (Obey Muhammad.) 4:64
64. Don’t worry about dying in battle. Remember the shade and the pure companions. Allah wouldn’t hurt the down on a date-stone. 4:77
65. If something good happens to you, it is because of Allah. If something bad happens, it’s your own damn fault. Heads, Allah wins; tails, you lose. 4:78-79
66. “Whoso obeyeth the messenger hath obeyed Allah, and whoso turneth away: We have not sent thee as a warder over them.” 4:80
67. “Will they not then ponder on the Qur’an? If it had been from other than Allah they would have found therein much incongruity.”
If the Quran was not from Allah its critics would find some mistakes in it.(The Quran filled with mistakes. It is a silly, error-filled book. But even if the Quran didn’t contain a single error, it would not prove that it was from Allah.) 4:82
68. “If it had not been for the grace of Allah upon you and His mercy ye would have followed Satan, save a few (of you).”
Most of us would be followers of Satan if it wasn’t for Allah. 4:83
69. Whoever participates in a good cause, will be rewarded. Whoever participates in an evil cause, will bear the consequences thereof. (It’s not true, but it’s a nice thought.) 4:85
70. If someone says Hi to you say Hi (or Howdy) back to them. 4:86
71. “Who enjoineth almsgiving and kindness and peace-making … We shall bestow … a vast reward.”
It is good to help the poor and make peace. (But the part about Allah giving you a big reward for doing so is a big lie.) 4:114
72. Don’t cut cattle’s ears and, thereby, change Allah’s creation. (This is interpreted to mean that Muslim men must not shave their beards, and Muslim women must not pluck their eyebrows.) Allah commands non-Muslims to shave beards and pluck eyebrows so he can have an excuse to burn them in hell after they die. 4:119-121
73. Allah will not allow disbelievers to succeed against believers. 4:141
74. Jesus was not crucified. (It just looked like he was.) 4:157-8
75. What not to eat: roadkill, blood, pigs, animals sacrificed to gods other than Allah, animals that were strangled, beat to death, jumped of a cliff, fell from the sky, or were killed by other animals. 5:3
76. “I perfected your religion for you … and have chosen for you as religion al-Islam.” 5:3
77. When it’s time to pray and you have just used the toilet or touched a woman, be sure to wash up. If you can’t find any water, just rub some dirt on yourself. 5:6
78. Jesus has a conversation with a godly unclean spirit named “Legion.” 5:8-10
79. “O People of the Scripture! Now hath Our messenger come unto you, expounding unto you much of that which ye used to hide in the Scripture.”
Muhammad, who was illiterate and who had never read the Hebrew and Christian scriptures, offers to explain the scriptures to Christians and Jews, who he claims hide and distort the true meaning of their scriptures. 5:8-15
80. Christians are disbelievers for believing in the divinity of Christ. 5:17
81. The Quran repeats the silly story about Cain and Abel (though they are unnamed in the Quran). 5:27-31
82. “Allah sent a raven scratching up the ground, to show him how to hide his brother’s naked corpse.” 5:31
83. Allah has turned some Christians and Jews into apes and swine. 5:60
84. Allah warns believers not to ask to many questions. (Honest answers will cause them to lose their faith.) 5:101
85. Jesus made a bird out of clay that flew away when he blew on it. 5:110
86. The disciples of Jesus were muslims! 5:111
87. Jesus’ disciples ask Jesus to send a table of food down from heaven. And he delivers! 5:112-114
88. After agreeing to send down a table of food from heaven, Jesus warns his disciples that will catch holy hell if they ever stop believing. 5:115
89. The Christian Trinity is the Father, Mother, and Son. 5:116
90. “See they not how many a generation We destroyed?”
How could they (or anyone else who wasn’t there) see Allah destroy previous generations? 6:6
91. True enough. There isn’t a book, prophet, or angel that would have caused skeptics to believe the foolish things in Islam or Christianity. 6:7-9
92. Pets are people, too! 6:38
93. Allah guided Noah, David, Elisha, and Lot on a good and righteous path. 6:84-87
94. Allah created the jinn but he is not in partnership with them. 6:100
95. Allah appointed jinns to be the adversaries of prophets. 6:112
96. Jinns have led many humans astray. 6:128
97. The jinn were disbelievers. 6:130
98. “And of the cattle (He produceth) some for burdens, some for food. Eat of that which Allah hath bestowed upon you, and follow not the footsteps of the devil.”
The devil is a vegetarian. Kill and eat lots of animals so you won’t be like him. 6:142
99. Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for Iblis. 7:11
100. Adam and his nameles wife (Eve?) didn’t know they were naked until they ate from the tree. 7:22
101. Entire nations of the jinn have been tormented with fire. (Since jinns were made from fire, they’ll probably enjoy the fire of hell.) 7:38
102. Muslim commentators on the Quran tell us that Salih, through the power of Allah, turned a stone into a female camel. 7:73
103. “Then he [Moses] flung down his staff and lo! it was a serpent.” 7:107
104. “And he [Moses] drew forth his hand (from his bosom), and lo! it was white.” 7:108
105. We inspired Moses (saying): Throw thy staff! And lo! it swallowed up their lying show. 7:117
106. “So We sent against them the flood and the locusts and the vermin and the frogs and the blood – a succession of clear signs.” 7:133
107. When Allah revealed himself to Moses, the mountain (Mt. Sinai?) came crashing down. 7:143
108. The golden calf mooed. 7:148
109. “The Prophet who can neither read nor write.” 7:157-8
110. The Quran repeats (and embellishes somewhat) the absurdities of the Biblical Exodus. 7:160
111. Allah presented the Jews a big fish on the Sabbath day when they were forbidden to fish, and then withheld the fish on the day that they were permitted to fish. That’ll teach them! 7:163
112. Allah turns humans into apes! 7:166
113. Those who deny Muhammad’s revelations are like dogs. 7:176
114. “We lead them .. I give them … He is but a”
If the Quran is such a perfect book, why can’t Allah keep his pronouns straight? 7:182-4
115. “Obey Allah and obey the messenger, and turn not away from him when ye hear (him speak).” 8:20
116. “This [the Quran] is naught but fables of the men of old.” 8:30
117. “Allah is the best of plotters.” 8:31
118. Those that live or die in war are a clear proof of Allah’s sovereignty. 8:31
119. Exhort the believers to fight. They will win easily, because disbelievers are without intelligence. 8:65
120. “Allah … sent down host ye could not see.”
Allah sent down angels (I guess) to fight for him! (But they were invisible so no one could see them.) 9:26
121. “The Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah.” (Where and when did any Jew ever say that?) 9:30
122. “They have taken as lords … their rabbis and their monks.”
Jews and Christians consider rabbis and monks to be partners with God? How do Muslims treat Muhammad? 9:31
123. Don’t try to enjoy this life. The fun starts after you die. (If you are a good Muslim, that is.) 9:38
124. “Ye cannot harm Him at all.” 9:39
125. Invisible armies!
Allah supported Muhammad with armies that no one else could see. 9:40
126. The people who heard Muhammad’s “revelations” thought they sucked, saying, “Find another messenger or change the message.” 10:15
127. Denying the revelations of Allah is the worst sin imaginable. 10:17
128. “Neither dust nor ignominy cometh near their faces.” Muslims will look good in heaven. There’ll be no dust on their faces! 10:26
129. The Quran is so perfect it could never be invented. Go ahead and try to write a Surah as great as those in the Quran. 10:37-38
130. “Allah wrongeth not mankind in aught; but mankind wrong themselves.”
Nah, Allah never hurt anyone. Well, he did drown everyone on earth except Noah and his family. And he’s going to torture every non-muslim forever after they die. But other than that (and other cruel stuff like it), what did Allah ever do to anyone? 10:44
131. The Pharaoh became a Muslim to avoid being drowned by Allah. 10:90
132. “And We verily did allot unto the Children of Israel a fixed abode.”
Really? Then why do modern Muslims object to Jews occupying the land (Israel) that Allah gave them? 10:93
133. A test for those who suspect that Muhammad invented the Quran: compose ten surahs like those in the Quran. (It shouldn’t be hard to do much better than surahs 38, 40, 44, 47, 63, 66, 88, 105, 111, and 114.) 11:13
134. Allah created the heavens and earth in six days and set his throne upon water in order to test people to see who behaved better. 11:7
135. “This is the camel of Allah … touch her not with harm lest a near torment seize you.” 11:64
136. Allah will fill hell with humans and jinn. 11:119
137. What luck! There’s a boy in my waterpail! 12:19
138. “If his shirt is torn from before, then she speaketh truth … if his shirt is torn from behind, then she hath lied.”
Stupid tests like this can only be found in the Quran (or the Bible or the Book of Mormon). 12:26-27
139. “And Joseph’s brethren came and presented themselves before him, and he knew them but they knew him not.”
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Quran (and the Bible). 12:58
140. Everyone and everything (and their shadow) bows to Allah twice a day (whether they want to or not). 13:15
141. “And Satan saith….”
Satan gives a little speach. 14:22
142. “Lo! thou [Muhammad] art indeed a madman!” 15:6
143. Allah created the jinn from fire. 15:27
144. Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for Iblis. 15:28-31
145. God is pissed at Iblis for not bowing down and worshipping man. But why? Wouldn’t this be idolatry? 15:32-33
146. Allah sends Iblis to hell for refusing to worship humans and then immediately changes his mind at Iblis’ request. 15:34-37
147. “He hath cast into the earth firm hills that it quake not with you.”
Allah made mountains that that don’t shake when you jump up and down. And lots of other stuff, too! 16:15
148. “He loveth not the proud.”
Allah is too proud to love proud people. 16:23
149. “What hath your Lord revealed ? they say: (Mere) fables of the men of old.”
Mo’s critics were exactly right. What has he revealed? Just a bunch of fables of old (plus a few he made up himself). 16:24
150. “And thy Lord inspired the bee, saying … eat of all fruits.”
Allah told bees to eat from all fruits, but decided to eat nectar and pollen instead. 16:68-68
151. “Glorified be He Who carried His servant by night from the Inviolable Place of Worship to the Far distant place of worship the neighbourhood whereof We have blessed.”
This verse refers to Muhammad’s famous midnight ride on the back of a flying horse (Al-Buraq) from Mecca to Jerusalem and then to heaven. 17:1
152. Allah has prepared a painful doom for those who disbelieve in the Hereafter. 17:10
153. How many generations Allah has destroyed since Noah! 17:17
154. Allah will destroy every town before the Day of Resurrection. 17:58
155. “Whoso is blind here will be blind in the Hereafter, and yet further from the road.” 17:72
156. Humans and jinn working together could not produce the Quran. 17:88
157. Mary complains to a palm tree about the pains of childbirth. The tree tells her to shake its trunk and ripe dates will fall. 19:23-25
158. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was the sister of Aaron. (Apparently, Muhammad confused Mary with Miriam.) 19:27-28
Jesus professes his Islamic faith while still in the cradle, modestly claiming the be a perfect prophet who will be raised alive when he dies. 19:30-34
“Idris. Lo! he was a saint, a prophet.”
No one knows who the hell Idris is. 19:56
159. Moses turns his staff into a serpent. 20:18-20
160. The golden (or saffron-colored) calf mooed. 20:88
161. “We have revealed it [the Quran] as a Lecture in Arabic.”
Then why are there so many non-Arabic words and sources for it? And why would God prefer one language over another? Is he the tribal god of the Arabs? 20:113
162. In Genesis (3:22-24), Adam and Eve are driven out of the Garden of Eden before eating from the “Tree of Life” and thereby becoming immortal. But here they eat from “the tree of immortality and power” — yet they don’t become immortal or powerful, they become ashamed of their nakedness. Why? 20:120-1
163. Muhammad’s critics claimed that his supposed revelations were “muddled dreams” that he made up as he went along. 21:5
164. Allah gave judgment and knowledge to Lot. He was a righteous man. (Genesis 19:7-38) 21:75
165. Every person alive at the time of the flood was evil. So Allah drowned them all. 21:77
166. “Idris, and Dhu’l-Kifl. All were of the steadfast.”
No one knows who these steadfast guys (Idris and Dhu’l-Kifl)were supposed to be. 21:85
167. “O mankind! if ye are in doubt concerning the Resurrection, then lo! We have created you from dust, then from a drop of seed, then from a clot, then from a little lump of flesh shapely and shapeless, that We may make (it) clear for you.”
Oh thanks, Allah. That clears everything up! 22:5
168. “Allah … quickeneth the dead … Allah will raise those who are in the graves.” 22:6-7
169. A husband can accuse his wife of adultery with only one witness (himself). But he has to swear five times (so he can count as four or more separate witnesses in accordance with 24.4). 24:6
170. “Obey Allah and obey the messenger.” (But mostly the messenger — Muhammad.) 24:54
171. “Say: Is that doom better or the Garden of Immortality?” 25:15
172. “The disbeliever was ever a partisan against his Lord.” 25:55
173. Moses turns his staff into a snake and makes his hand turn white. 26:32
174. Moses throws his staff down and it swallows the wizards’ staffs. 26:45
175. Stay away from poets. The erring follow them. 26:224
176. With Allah’s help, Moses turns his staff into a snake (or a demon). 27:10
177. For his second magic trick, Moses turns his hand white (with Allah’s help, of course). 27:12
178. Solomon was taught the language of birds. 27:16
179. The Jinn and birds fought in Solomon’s army. 27:17
180. Talking ants! 27:18
181. Solomon talks to the ants. 27:19
182. Solomon is upset that the hoopee is not among the birds in his army. 27:20
183. Solomon says he’ll kill the hoopee unless he has a good excuse for his absence. 27:21
184. Moses, with Allah’s help, turns his staff into a demon (which he then runs away from) and makes his hand turn white. 28:31-32
185. Noah was 950 years old at the time of the flood. [Genesis (7:11) says he was only 600.] 29:14
186. Lot is among the righteous. 29:26-27
187. “The Prophet is closer to the believers than their selves, and his wives are (as) their mothers.” 33:6
188. Allah makes the deeds of unbelievers fruitless. (And that is easy for Allah.) 33:19
189. “In the messenger of Allah [Muhammad] ye have a good example.”
What would Muhammad do? 33:21
190. The wives of Muhammad will be punished double for lewdness. (And that is easy for Allah.) 33:30
191. Allah gave Zeyd to Muhammad in marriage so that all Muslims would know that it’s OK to marry your adopted son’s ex-wife. 33:37
192. “There is no reproach for the Prophet in that which Allah maketh his due.”
Allah says that Muhammad (pb&jbuh) can do whatever he damn well pleases. 33:37
193. “Muhammad … is the messenger of Allah and the Seal of the Prophets.” 33:40
194. “Allah and His angels shower blessings on the Prophet.”
Or as the Ash-Shifa puts it: “Allah and his angels praise and venerate the Prophet.” 33:56
195. Allah offered the heavens, earth, and hills the the duty of worshiping him, but they were afraid and refused. So humans got the job instead. 33:72
196. “Hath he [Muhammad] invented a lie concerning Allah, or is there in him a madness?” 34:8
197. Allah gave Solomon some of the jinn to work for him. 34:12
198. Everyone followed Satan except for a group of true believers. 34:20
199. Those who worshipped the jinn will taste the doom of the Fire. 34:41
200. “There is no madness in your comrade [Muhammad].” 34:46
201. The devil is real. He and his followers will burn forever in the Fire. 35:6
202. “Shall we forsake our gods for a mad poet?”
Muhammad’s critics thought he was “a mad poet.” 37:36
203. Those in hell must eat from a tree with the heads of devils, and then drink boiling water. After that they return to hell. 37:62-68
204. When Abraham’s son, Ishmael, was old enough to walk, Allah told Abraham in a dream to sacrifice Ishmael. So Abraham asked Ishmael if it’d be OK with him, and Ishmael said, “Sure thing, Dad, go ahead and kill me for God. I won’t even flinch.” 37:102
THE ABSURD QURAN:
And the jinn did He create of smokeless fire.–55:15
1. “Alif. Lam. Mim.”
Many surahs start with three Arabic letters. No one knows why. But I have a theory. The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of WTF. 2:1
2. “This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil).” There is no doubt about this or any other “Scripture”. It is false. It wasn’t revealed by God and it won’t “ward off evil.” 2:2
3. Those who believe in the unseen things revealed by Muhammad and who are absolutely certain they will survive their own death are the successful people. You know, the Muslims.2:3-5
4. “Shall we believe as the foolish believe?”
According to the Quran, the answer is, yes. To be truly wise you must believe whatever the foolish believe. 2:13
5. Allah especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they’re around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils. 2:14
6. “If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things.” 2:20
7. “And if ye are in doubt … then produce a surah of the like thereof.”
If you doubt that the truth of the Quran, then try making some stuff up and see how it compares. (Whatever you come up with will be better than the Quran.) 2:23
8. Allah created seven heavens. 2:29
9. And He taught Adam all the names.”
Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known today, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names. 2:31a
10. Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful). 2:31b
11. But the angels weren’t truthful enough to guess correctly. 2:32
12. Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals’ names. So Adam tells them and says, “I know something you guys don’t! Neener-Neener-Neener!” 2:33
13. Allah commands the angels to worship Adam. They all do, except for Iblis, who becomes a disbeliever. 2:34
14. After the people worshipped a calf, Moses told them to kill themselves. That, he said, would be best for them. 2:54
15. Allah struck Moses with lightning and then revived him just so that Moses would thank him for it! 2:55-56
16. As you read the Quran you’ll notice that many of the Bible’s stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel. 2:60
17. Allah turned Sabbath-breaking Jews into apes to be despised and hated. All modern Jews are descendants of apes (or all modern apes are descendants of Sabbath-breaking Jews). 2:65-66
18. “Allah told the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow. 2:67-69
19. But they weren’t sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews. 2:67-69
20. Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow. 2:71
21. A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)2:72-3
22. There are rocks which fall down for the fear of Allah.”
Are there rocks that fall down laughing at the stupid things Allah says in the Quran? 2:74
23. “Little is that which they believe.”
At least Allah got that right. There is little in the Quran that is worthy of belief. 2:88
24. Pay no attention to the know-nothings that ask Allah for a sign. (Or ask him to say something good, kind, decent, or reasonable in the Quran.) 2:118a
25. Their hearts are all alike (they suck). Allah’s revelations are clear to those that already believe that Allah’s revelations are clear. 2:118b
26. “We take our colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring.”
Muslims were colored by God. “Who is better than Allah at coloring?”
I give up. Who is better at coloring than Allah? 2:138
27. Allah guides whoever the hell he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no reason whatsoever. 2:142
28. Allah changes the holy direction. Originally Muslims prayed toward Jerusalem. But then, for no apparent reason, Allah told Muhammad to start praying toward a black cube-shaped building in Mecca (the Kaaba). The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition, was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael, the Kaaba is the direction that all Muslims pray toward five times day, and is the holy site that all Muslims are supposed to visit once in their lifetime. 2:143-4
29. “Those who disbelieve [are] Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.” 2:171
30. “There is life for you in retaliation … that ye may ward off (evil).”
There is life for you in Allah’s magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit’s foot or something.) 2:179
31. “Beautified is the life of the world for those who disbelieve; they make a jest of the believers.”
Yes life is beautiful to us unbelievers and we like to laugh at believers! 2:212
32. Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn’t sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either. 2:219a
33. If you’re wondering how much is too much to spend on drinking and gambling, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Helpful. 2:219b
34. Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Christian woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Jewish man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway? 2:221
35. After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don’t make Allah a laughing-stock. 2:231
36. When a man dies, his wives can’t have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they’re not pregnant, it’s no sin for the dead man if his wives have sex again. 2:234
37. Allah told thousands of soldiers to die. Then after they died, Allah brought them back to life. 2:243
38. Allah asks for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small. 2:245
39. Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark. 2:247
40. Allah confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7. 2:249
41. Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, “God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west.” Which totally abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, “I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west.” That would have abashed Abraham and Allah. 2:258
42. Allah makes a man “die” for 100 years, and then brings him back to life. 2:259
43. To show how he gives life to the dead, Allah tells Abraham to cut up the bodies of four birds, scatter their remains on four hills, and then call to them. Allah says that the dead birds will come quickly to Abraham. 2:260
44. Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah. 3:7
45. Muslims are the best people. Most Non-muslims are “evil-livers.” 3:110
46. Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw “clearly, with their very eyes” that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. “Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes.” (I guess I don’t have eyes.) 3:13
47. “If ye love Allah, follow me; Allah will love you and forgive you your sins.”
Follow Muhammad and Allah will love your and forgive your sins. Otherwise…. 3:31
48. “Obey Allah and the messenger.” But mostly the Messenger (Muhammad). 3:32
49. Here’s a fun story about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.
“Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah’s leave. ” 3:49
50. “Allah is the best of schemers.” 3:54
51. “Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge?”
Don’t argue about things that you know nothing about. 3:66
52. Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him. (Most Non-muslims are “evil-livers.”) 3:110
“Obey Allah and obey the messenger.” 3:132
53. “Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers.”
(Believers always defeat unbelievers.) 3:139
54. Those who retreat while fighting in a holy war are inspired by Satan. 3:155
55. “Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead.” 3:169-171
56. Inheritance laws: None of this makes sense to me, but here’s a link that explains it all for you. 4:11-12
57. “We shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah.” 4:30
58. Be kind to the slaves “whom your right hands possess.” But, of course, if a kind person would set slaves free and wouldn’t have them in the first place. 4:36
59. Don’t make Satan your imaginary friend. Choose Allah instead! 4:38
60. If you get dirty (by touching a woman or something), and can’t find any clean water around at prayer time, you can clean up by rubbing your face and hands in some clean dirt. 4:43
61. Christians and Jews must believe what Allah has revealed to Muhammad or Allah will disfigure their faces or turn them into apes, as he did the Sabbath-breakers. (See 2:65-66) 4:47
62. Virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise. 4:57
63. “We sent no messenger save that he should be obeyed by Allah’s leave.” (Obey Muhammad.) 4:64
64. Don’t worry about dying in battle. Remember the shade and the pure companions. Allah wouldn’t hurt the down on a date-stone. 4:77
65. If something good happens to you, it is because of Allah. If something bad happens, it’s your own damn fault. Heads, Allah wins; tails, you lose. 4:78-79
66. “Whoso obeyeth the messenger hath obeyed Allah, and whoso turneth away: We have not sent thee as a warder over them.” 4:80
67. “Will they not then ponder on the Qur’an? If it had been from other than Allah they would have found therein much incongruity.”
If the Quran was not from Allah its critics would find some mistakes in it.(The Quran filled with mistakes. It is a silly, error-filled book. But even if the Quran didn’t contain a single error, it would not prove that it was from Allah.) 4:82
68. “If it had not been for the grace of Allah upon you and His mercy ye would have followed Satan, save a few (of you).”
Most of us would be followers of Satan if it wasn’t for Allah. 4:83
69. Whoever participates in a good cause, will be rewarded. Whoever participates in an evil cause, will bear the consequences thereof. (It’s not true, but it’s a nice thought.) 4:85
70. If someone says Hi to you say Hi (or Howdy) back to them. 4:86
71. “Who enjoineth almsgiving and kindness and peace-making … We shall bestow … a vast reward.”
It is good to help the poor and make peace. (But the part about Allah giving you a big reward for doing so is a big lie.) 4:114
72. Don’t cut cattle’s ears and, thereby, change Allah’s creation. (This is interpreted to mean that Muslim men must not shave their beards, and Muslim women must not pluck their eyebrows.) Allah commands non-Muslims to shave beards and pluck eyebrows so he can have an excuse to burn them in hell after they die. 4:119-121
73. Allah will not allow disbelievers to succeed against believers. 4:141
74. Jesus was not crucified. (It just looked like he was.) 4:157-8
75. What not to eat: roadkill, blood, pigs, animals sacrificed to gods other than Allah, animals that were strangled, beat to death, jumped of a cliff, fell from the sky, or were killed by other animals. 5:3
76. “I perfected your religion for you … and have chosen for you as religion al-Islam.” 5:3
77. When it’s time to pray and you have just used the toilet or touched a woman, be sure to wash up. If you can’t find any water, just rub some dirt on yourself. 5:6
78. Jesus has a conversation with a godly unclean spirit named “Legion.” 5:8-10
79. “O People of the Scripture! Now hath Our messenger come unto you, expounding unto you much of that which ye used to hide in the Scripture.”
Muhammad, who was illiterate and who had never read the Hebrew and Christian scriptures, offers to explain the scriptures to Christians and Jews, who he claims hide and distort the true meaning of their scriptures. 5:8-15
80. Christians are disbelievers for believing in the divinity of Christ. 5:17
81. The Quran repeats the silly story about Cain and Abel (though they are unnamed in the Quran). 5:27-31
82. “Allah sent a raven scratching up the ground, to show him how to hide his brother’s naked corpse.” 5:31
83. Allah has turned some Christians and Jews into apes and swine. 5:60
84. Allah warns believers not to ask to many questions. (Honest answers will cause them to lose their faith.) 5:101
85. Jesus made a bird out of clay that flew away when he blew on it. 5:110
86. The disciples of Jesus were muslims! 5:111
87. Jesus’ disciples ask Jesus to send a table of food down from heaven. And he delivers! 5:112-114
88. After agreeing to send down a table of food from heaven, Jesus warns his disciples that will catch holy hell if they ever stop believing. 5:115
89. The Christian Trinity is the Father, Mother, and Son. 5:116
90. “See they not how many a generation We destroyed?”
How could they (or anyone else who wasn’t there) see Allah destroy previous generations? 6:6
91. True enough. There isn’t a book, prophet, or angel that would have caused skeptics to believe the foolish things in Islam or Christianity. 6:7-9
92. Pets are people, too! 6:38
93. Allah guided Noah, David, Elisha, and Lot on a good and righteous path. 6:84-87
94. Allah created the jinn but he is not in partnership with them. 6:100
95. Allah appointed jinns to be the adversaries of prophets. 6:112
96. Jinns have led many humans astray. 6:128
97. The jinn were disbelievers. 6:130
98. “And of the cattle (He produceth) some for burdens, some for food. Eat of that which Allah hath bestowed upon you, and follow not the footsteps of the devil.”
The devil is a vegetarian. Kill and eat lots of animals so you won’t be like him. 6:142
99. Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for Iblis. 7:11
100. Adam and his nameles wife (Eve?) didn’t know they were naked until they ate from the tree. 7:22
101. Entire nations of the jinn have been tormented with fire. (Since jinns were made from fire, they’ll probably enjoy the fire of hell.) 7:38
102. Muslim commentators on the Quran tell us that Salih, through the power of Allah, turned a stone into a female camel. 7:73
103. “Then he [Moses] flung down his staff and lo! it was a serpent.” 7:107
104. “And he [Moses] drew forth his hand (from his bosom), and lo! it was white.” 7:108
105. We inspired Moses (saying): Throw thy staff! And lo! it swallowed up their lying show. 7:117
106. “So We sent against them the flood and the locusts and the vermin and the frogs and the blood – a succession of clear signs.” 7:133
107. When Allah revealed himself to Moses, the mountain (Mt. Sinai?) came crashing down. 7:143
108. The golden calf mooed. 7:148
109. “The Prophet who can neither read nor write.” 7:157-8
110. The Quran repeats (and embellishes somewhat) the absurdities of the Biblical Exodus. 7:160
111. Allah presented the Jews a big fish on the Sabbath day when they were forbidden to fish, and then withheld the fish on the day that they were permitted to fish. That’ll teach them! 7:163
112. Allah turns humans into apes! 7:166
113. Those who deny Muhammad’s revelations are like dogs. 7:176
114. “We lead them .. I give them … He is but a”
If the Quran is such a perfect book, why can’t Allah keep his pronouns straight? 7:182-4
115. “Obey Allah and obey the messenger, and turn not away from him when ye hear (him speak).” 8:20
116. “This [the Quran] is naught but fables of the men of old.” 8:30
117. “Allah is the best of plotters.” 8:31
118. Those that live or die in war are a clear proof of Allah’s sovereignty. 8:31
119. Exhort the believers to fight. They will win easily, because disbelievers are without intelligence. 8:65
120. “Allah … sent down host ye could not see.”
Allah sent down angels (I guess) to fight for him! (But they were invisible so no one could see them.) 9:26
121. “The Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah.” (Where and when did any Jew ever say that?) 9:30
122. “They have taken as lords … their rabbis and their monks.”
Jews and Christians consider rabbis and monks to be partners with God? How do Muslims treat Muhammad? 9:31
123. Don’t try to enjoy this life. The fun starts after you die. (If you are a good Muslim, that is.) 9:38
124. “Ye cannot harm Him at all.” 9:39
125. Invisible armies!
Allah supported Muhammad with armies that no one else could see. 9:40
126. The people who heard Muhammad’s “revelations” thought they sucked, saying, “Find another messenger or change the message.” 10:15
127. Denying the revelations of Allah is the worst sin imaginable. 10:17
128. “Neither dust nor ignominy cometh near their faces.” Muslims will look good in heaven. There’ll be no dust on their faces! 10:26
129. The Quran is so perfect it could never be invented. Go ahead and try to write a Surah as great as those in the Quran. 10:37-38
130. “Allah wrongeth not mankind in aught; but mankind wrong themselves.”
Nah, Allah never hurt anyone. Well, he did drown everyone on earth except Noah and his family. And he’s going to torture every non-muslim forever after they die. But other than that (and other cruel stuff like it), what did Allah ever do to anyone? 10:44
131. The Pharaoh became a Muslim to avoid being drowned by Allah. 10:90
132. “And We verily did allot unto the Children of Israel a fixed abode.”
Really? Then why do modern Muslims object to Jews occupying the land (Israel) that Allah gave them? 10:93
133. A test for those who suspect that Muhammad invented the Quran: compose ten surahs like those in the Quran. (It shouldn’t be hard to do much better than surahs 38, 40, 44, 47, 63, 66, 88, 105, 111, and 114.) 11:13
134. Allah created the heavens and earth in six days and set his throne upon water in order to test people to see who behaved better. 11:7
135. “This is the camel of Allah … touch her not with harm lest a near torment seize you.” 11:64
136. Allah will fill hell with humans and jinn. 11:119
137. What luck! There’s a boy in my waterpail! 12:19
138. “If his shirt is torn from before, then she speaketh truth … if his shirt is torn from behind, then she hath lied.”
Stupid tests like this can only be found in the Quran (or the Bible or the Book of Mormon). 12:26-27
139. “And Joseph’s brethren came and presented themselves before him, and he knew them but they knew him not.”
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Quran (and the Bible). 12:58
140. Everyone and everything (and their shadow) bows to Allah twice a day (whether they want to or not). 13:15
141. “And Satan saith….”
Satan gives a little speach. 14:22
142. “Lo! thou [Muhammad] art indeed a madman!” 15:6
143. Allah created the jinn from fire. 15:27
144. Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for Iblis. 15:28-31
145. God is pissed at Iblis for not bowing down and worshipping man. But why? Wouldn’t this be idolatry? 15:32-33
146. Allah sends Iblis to hell for refusing to worship humans and then immediately changes his mind at Iblis’ request. 15:34-37
147. “He hath cast into the earth firm hills that it quake not with you.”
Allah made mountains that that don’t shake when you jump up and down. And lots of other stuff, too! 16:15
148. “He loveth not the proud.”
Allah is too proud to love proud people. 16:23
149. “What hath your Lord revealed ? they say: (Mere) fables of the men of old.”
Mo’s critics were exactly right. What has he revealed? Just a bunch of fables of old (plus a few he made up himself). 16:24
150. “And thy Lord inspired the bee, saying … eat of all fruits.”
Allah told bees to eat from all fruits, but decided to eat nectar and pollen instead. 16:68-68
151. “Glorified be He Who carried His servant by night from the Inviolable Place of Worship to the Far distant place of worship the neighbourhood whereof We have blessed.”
This verse refers to Muhammad’s famous midnight ride on the back of a flying horse (Al-Buraq) from Mecca to Jerusalem and then to heaven. 17:1
152. Allah has prepared a painful doom for those who disbelieve in the Hereafter. 17:10
153. How many generations Allah has destroyed since Noah! 17:17
154. Allah will destroy every town before the Day of Resurrection. 17:58
155. “Whoso is blind here will be blind in the Hereafter, and yet further from the road.” 17:72
156. Humans and jinn working together could not produce the Quran. 17:88
157. Mary complains to a palm tree about the pains of childbirth. The tree tells her to shake its trunk and ripe dates will fall. 19:23-25
158. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was the sister of Aaron. (Apparently, Muhammad confused Mary with Miriam.) 19:27-28
Jesus professes his Islamic faith while still in the cradle, modestly claiming the be a perfect prophet who will be raised alive when he dies. 19:30-34
“Idris. Lo! he was a saint, a prophet.”
No one knows who the hell Idris is. 19:56
159. Moses turns his staff into a serpent. 20:18-20
160. The golden (or saffron-colored) calf mooed. 20:88
161. “We have revealed it [the Quran] as a Lecture in Arabic.”
Then why are there so many non-Arabic words and sources for it? And why would God prefer one language over another? Is he the tribal god of the Arabs? 20:113
162. In Genesis (3:22-24), Adam and Eve are driven out of the Garden of Eden before eating from the “Tree of Life” and thereby becoming immortal. But here they eat from “the tree of immortality and power” — yet they don’t become immortal or powerful, they become ashamed of their nakedness. Why? 20:120-1
163. Muhammad’s critics claimed that his supposed revelations were “muddled dreams” that he made up as he went along. 21:5
164. Allah gave judgment and knowledge to Lot. He was a righteous man. (Genesis 19:7-38) 21:75
165. Every person alive at the time of the flood was evil. So Allah drowned them all. 21:77
166. “Idris, and Dhu’l-Kifl. All were of the steadfast.”
No one knows who these steadfast guys (Idris and Dhu’l-Kifl)were supposed to be. 21:85
167. “O mankind! if ye are in doubt concerning the Resurrection, then lo! We have created you from dust, then from a drop of seed, then from a clot, then from a little lump of flesh shapely and shapeless, that We may make (it) clear for you.”
Oh thanks, Allah. That clears everything up! 22:5
168. “Allah … quickeneth the dead … Allah will raise those who are in the graves.” 22:6-7
169. A husband can accuse his wife of adultery with only one witness (himself). But he has to swear five times (so he can count as four or more separate witnesses in accordance with 24.4). 24:6
170. “Obey Allah and obey the messenger.” (But mostly the messenger — Muhammad.) 24:54
171. “Say: Is that doom better or the Garden of Immortality?” 25:15
172. “The disbeliever was ever a partisan against his Lord.” 25:55
173. Moses turns his staff into a snake and makes his hand turn white. 26:32
174. Moses throws his staff down and it swallows the wizards’ staffs. 26:45
175. Stay away from poets. The erring follow them. 26:224
176. With Allah’s help, Moses turns his staff into a snake (or a demon). 27:10
177. For his second magic trick, Moses turns his hand white (with Allah’s help, of course). 27:12
178. Solomon was taught the language of birds. 27:16
179. The Jinn and birds fought in Solomon’s army. 27:17
180. Talking ants! 27:18
181. Solomon talks to the ants. 27:19
182. Solomon is upset that the hoopee is not among the birds in his army. 27:20
183. Solomon says he’ll kill the hoopee unless he has a good excuse for his absence. 27:21
184. Moses, with Allah’s help, turns his staff into a demon (which he then runs away from) and makes his hand turn white. 28:31-32
185. Noah was 950 years old at the time of the flood. [Genesis (7:11) says he was only 600.] 29:14
186. Lot is among the righteous. 29:26-27
187. “The Prophet is closer to the believers than their selves, and his wives are (as) their mothers.” 33:6
188. Allah makes the deeds of unbelievers fruitless. (And that is easy for Allah.) 33:19
189. “In the messenger of Allah [Muhammad] ye have a good example.”
What would Muhammad do? 33:21
190. The wives of Muhammad will be punished double for lewdness. (And that is easy for Allah.) 33:30
191. Allah gave Zeyd to Muhammad in marriage so that all Muslims would know that it’s OK to marry your adopted son’s ex-wife. 33:37
192. “There is no reproach for the Prophet in that which Allah maketh his due.”
Allah says that Muhammad (pb&jbuh) can do whatever he damn well pleases. 33:37
193. “Muhammad … is the messenger of Allah and the Seal of the Prophets.” 33:40
194. “Allah and His angels shower blessings on the Prophet.”
Or as the Ash-Shifa puts it: “Allah and his angels praise and venerate the Prophet.” 33:56
195. Allah offered the heavens, earth, and hills the the duty of worshiping him, but they were afraid and refused. So humans got the job instead. 33:72
196. “Hath he [Muhammad] invented a lie concerning Allah, or is there in him a madness?” 34:8
197. Allah gave Solomon some of the jinn to work for him. 34:12
198. Everyone followed Satan except for a group of true believers. 34:20
199. Those who worshipped the jinn will taste the doom of the Fire. 34:41
200. “There is no madness in your comrade [Muhammad].” 34:46
201. The devil is real. He and his followers will burn forever in the Fire. 35:6
202. “Shall we forsake our gods for a mad poet?”
Muhammad’s critics thought he was “a mad poet.” 37:36
203. Those in hell must eat from a tree with the heads of devils, and then drink boiling water. After that they return to hell. 37:62-68
204. When Abraham’s son, Ishmael, was old enough to walk, Allah told Abraham in a dream to sacrifice Ishmael. So Abraham asked Ishmael if it’d be OK with him, and Ishmael said, “Sure thing, Dad, go ahead and kill me for God. I won’t even flinch.” 37:102
205. Jonah was swallowed by a fish. 37:142
206. “We would be single-minded slaves of Allah.”
Just what the world needs: a few more single-minded slaves of Allah! 37:169
207. David was an excellent slave of Allah. 38:30
208. Allah made the wind obey Solomon. 38:34-36
209. Job kicked the ground and immediately a spring flowed out. 38:41-2
210. “Dhu’l-Kifl … of the chosen.”
No one knows who Dhu-l-Kifl is supposed to be. 38:48
211. The angels worshipped humans, except for Iblis, who became one of the disbelievers. 38:73-4
212. Iblis asks Allah to let him hang around and mislead humans. Allah allows him to do so, and Iblis leads all humans to hell except for the single-minded slaves. Allah agrees, and plans to fill hell with Iblis and his followers. 38:79-85
213. Thus does Allah send astray the disbelievers (in his guidance). 40:74
214. If bad stuff happens to you, it’s your own fault. 42:30, 42:48
215. “They had turned away from him [Muhammad] and said: a madman?” 44:14
216. Those in hell must eat from a tree (the tree of Zaqqum) like molten brass that burns their bellies. Then boiling water will be poured on their heads. 44:43-48
217. “We shall wed them unto fair ones with wide, lovely eyes.”
Allah will reward faithful Muslims after they die with “fair ones with wide, lovely eyes” or with white raisins. 44:54
218. Swearing allegiance to Muhammad is the same as swearing allegiance to God. 48:10
219. Do not lift your voice when in Muhammad’s presence. Those who subdue their voices are righteous and will receive an immense reward from Allah. 49:1-3
220. Would you like to eat the flesh of your dead brother? 49:12
221. “We say unto hell: Art thou filled? and it saith: Can there be more to come?”
Allah talks to hell about it’s occupancy level. 50:30
222. Accursed are the conjecturers who ask: When is the Day of Judgment? It is the day they will be tormented by the Fire. 51:10-14
223. “The moon was rent in twain.”
Muhammaed split the moon into two pieces. Beat that one, Jesus! 54:1-2
224. Allah created the jinn out of smokeless fire. 55:15
225. Allah will give those in the Garden women of modest gaze whom neither man nor jinn have touched. (Or it might be white raisins instead of modest virgins.) 55:56, 55:72-74
226. Those in the Garden will be attended by immortal youths with wide, lovely eyes. (Or it might be white raisins instead of immortal youths.) 56:17-23
227. The wives of Noah and Lot (who were both righteous) betrayed their husbands and are now in the Fire. 66:10
228. Allah made the stars as missiles to throw at devils. 67:5
229. Allah assures Muhammad that he is not a madman. 68:2
230. “Thou [Muhammad] art of a tremendous nature.”
What would Muhammad do? 68:4
231. When disbelievers hear the Quran, they roll their eyes and say “he [Muhammad] is indeed mad.” 68:51
232. At the end of the world the earth with the mountains will be lifted up and crushed with one crash. 69:14
233. Disbelievers live in denial. 85:19
234. The Quran “is a conclusive word.” 86:13
235. Allah will grab those who deny His guidance by the forelock and call the guards of hell. 96:13-18
236. Allah dealt with the owners of the elephant by sending swarms of “flying creatures”. 105:1-3
237. Only religious people help orphans or those in need. 107:1-3
238. “I seek refuge … from the evil of that which He created.”
Allah is the creator of evil. We must try to avoid Allah’s evil creations. 113:1-2
239. “I seek refuge … from the evil of darkness.”
(Darkness is evil.) 113:1-4